Relationship2“You’re plain, unattractive and if you think you’ll ever catch a man you’d better do something about yourself!” Her father’s voice boomed.

“Take your father’s word” simpered her mother “maybe you’d better resign yourself to your lot. Alone isn’t all bad you know. A man isn’t everything. Not for you, anyhow.”

Lucy slammed her door and burrowed beneath her quilt. She could not hide from the crushed feeling that followed her everywhere she went. It even followed her in and out of the shower. The weight of it closed her heart to what might be, and dragged her into the maze of resignation and hopelessness.

Lucy was the middle sister.

Rachel the oldest, was a stunning, tall redhead with a vivacious personality and kind heart. She attracted tons of attention wherever she went and was well-loved by all who met her. Patsy was the youngest. Petite, cute and funny. Her freckled smile and bright, engaging manner won her love and attention.

At school Lucy was a loner. She was compared unfavourably to her sisters by her teachers. She was never very popular and attracted no attention from boys.

Lucy got away! When She left school, she accepted a position that took her overseas, to Canada. The timid New Zealander blossomed into a beauty. Her luscious blonde curls, and curvy, fit figure – her sharp wit and sense of humour made her very popular amongst her male colleagues.

Soon Lucy started dating.

Her relationships followed a pattern: They started off hot and wonderful. Within a few months they soured and soon ended. No-matter what Lucy did, she couldn’t seem to have a relationship that lasted longer than six months. What was going on?

Lucy’s subconscious patterning meant that she sabotaged her relationships by becoming demanding, controlling, possessive, argumentative and retreating inside herself.

Her childhood and school years continually reinforced her belief that she was undesirable to men and not attractive enough to be with them and so she created that. She continually ended relationships she subconsciously believed she didn’t deserve.

Lucy saw the pattern. She was holding onto old beliefs that she was unattractive, undesirable and unworthy of male attention.

I guided her through processes to clear the limiting beliefs she had collected, installed more resourceful strategies and relationship rules and values. The outcome for Lucy speaks for itself: She’s been with Geoff for over two years. They plan to marry as soon as he qualifies fully as a GP.

What are some of the areas in which you may have beliefs that are causing you sabotage in your life?

Where is your life hitting a plateau and levelling out – so no matter what else you seem to do, your life remains the same?

Here are the most common causes of Self- Sabotage:

1. Childhood and Adolescent Beliefs, Values, Rules

Childhood beliefs are formed by your parents or primary carers, the people you meet and the experiences you have with them. These beliefs are then reinforced during your school years or replaced by different ones. The majority of your beliefs, values, attitudes and filters were established before you were 7 years of age.

2 Associating difficulty, pain and discomfort with pleasure

For many there is a deeply anchored pattern of connecting failure with perceived pleasure – for example if you received love and attention as a child when you failed at something or were ill, then an association between the two is made in your subconscious. If you received some sort of reward after experiencing pain or shame, failure or loss then that way pleasure can be linked to those experiences. If for example after a relationship ends you take a holiday to get over it – you may learn to reward yourself for ended relationships.

3. Associating Life Changes with Pain

When life shifts, sometimes your subconscious doesn’t want to! Changes in your life can be associated with pain. Such as frequently changing location as a child – moving a lot entailing moving home, school, change brought on my death of a close family member or pet, divorce. This could cause you to sabotage things in your life that could take you in a new direction such as a new job or marriage.

4. Low self-worth, low self-belief

Low self esteem, low self worth and low self belief can cause you to miss out on many great opportunities because you just don’t see them! This is a major source of self sabotage and most commonly established during your childhood when your core beliefs and filters were set in place.

When you have low self esteem, you become very clear as to what you feel you can and can’t achieve.

One manifestation of low self worth is seen in romantic relationships where a person doesn’t believe they can attract another, as Lucy’s story illustrates. Her relationship roller coaster has a happy ending. Will yours?

If you’d like to do something about the areas in your life in which you are keeping yourself small, procrastinating and unable to achieve the success you know you deserve then

you’re welcome to attend the tele seminar I’m offering titled “Meet Your Mini-Me: Revealing the Truth about Self-Sabotage, Self-Talk, and Self-Knowledge!” Go to to register.

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